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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.